As a female, I’ve been taught that I am part of the weaker gender (this is not true by any means, but it’s obviously hard to re-teach an entire society something so widely accepted, but we’re getting there. anyway…). Since I was young, I’ve seen movies or television shows or read books about women finding their identity and life’s purpose in marriage. Some women, I noticed, had their own motives and it seems like – especially in the older stories – women with their own self in mind, married rich in order to live their lives how they wanted to. Love AND prosperity being impossible, the “wiser” of the women would marry an older rich man, await his eventual death, and then are winners in the end.
Obviously not all stories play out this way, lots of intelligent women marry lovely rich men for reasons other than their money, and lots of men, I’m sure, marry rich women solely for their money. My point is, because of these things, I’ve actually thought about what I would do if some rich guy was all, “Hey Joy, let’s get married. I have an indoor pool.” Here I will share with you the selfish reasons why I would consider marrying someone for their wealth.
10. Security (aka boring stuff)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have to include the obvious. Security is important, especially because I’m unemployed. I could buy houses for my parents, and a house for my cat, and still have enough money to live my life in Scrooge McDuck happiness. I think this is a nice, noble selfish reason.
9. Meet really cool fun awesome people
Rich people know famous people. I don’t really know how; I guess they buy themselves tickets to the Oscars and the Golden Globes and force hilarious celebrities to be friends with them. Either way, Rich-Future-Mr-Joy totally would be my gateway to Best Friendship with Aubrey Plaza, Anna Kendrick and Jennifer Lawrence and I am so for that.
8. Do fun things/sell fun things/make fun things
This is kind of a gigantic and vague category. I would love to just create things as my full time job; collaborating with amazingly creative people to make things that brighten the world. I wish I could afford to invest all of my time into projects and ideas. Unfortunately all of my projects and ideas are currently funded by imaginary dollars.
7. Fancy pools and fancy bathrooms
HAVE YOU SEEN RICH PEOPLE POOLS? THEY ARE THE POOLS OF THE GODS, I AM TELLING YOU.
On top of that, they have these absurdly amazing bathrooms. I had no idea bathrooms could be so extravagant – I mean, rich people know what we do in there, right?? WAIT – DO RICH PEOPLE NOT POOP???
6. Absurdly cool houses
If you know me at all, you know I love tiny spaces. When I was a kid, I used to climb into the cupboards and just hang out there (another reason why I am real-life Harry Potter, obvs). I never wanted a giant house because large rooms and large places freak me out; I just don’t feel comfortable. HOWEVER! Did you know a giant mansion could very well be made up of a thousand small rooms? It can and it should be. And mine would be. Complete with secret rooms and gardens and that pool we just talked about. Think of all the bathrooms you could have in this sucker:
The fact that this guy has his mansion in the middle of all that water really speaks to the introvert in me.
5. Finally being able to afford the clothing I see online
I could finally shop at Free People! I could buy their eerily expensive socks! I could buy those sweaters Lauren Conrad wears! I could hire a personal trainer so that eventually I could fit in the sweaters that Lauren Conrad wears!
4. Making a difference in the world
Clearly this list isn’t practical, nor is it realistic; if I had all that money, there’s no way I’d blow it on Free People socks. There are a lot of organizations that I see working and moving and I feel really passionate about some of the causes, but I’m incapable of finding a way in my current state of being to help said organizations. I would love to be able to help out friends when they need help, and to donate to organizations making a difference in my local area as well as around the world. There’s something fulfilling in just sending money to people in need. This would be really important to me.
3. My own studio
One thing (I think the ONLY thing) I liked about The Vow was that Rachel McAdam’s character had her own gorgeous, giant studio. Granted, all I currently need space for is small projects and t-shirt making, but I would love to do some balloon painting, or just make paint explosions and spray paint life away. I love paint. I love getting it everywhere. I don’t think anyone I’ve lived with so far shares this feeling, so until I marry Rich-Future-Mr-Joy, this will have to wait.
2. A big-a** library
We all know Belle wouldn’t have been nearly as excited about the beast’s interests if he hadn’t given her a GIANT library. I love books. I love being around books. I don’t even need to read them, just make a massive pile of paperbacks and let me lay on them. Can I make another Scrooge McDuck reference? I would love to jump into a giant room full of books and swim around like McDuck in his room of coins. He endured the undoubtedly incredible head injuries; I can endure the paper-cuts.
As a youth transitioning into older youth, I’m realizing how much of the world there is and how I’ve seen about two smidgens of it. I’ve never even been out of North America. Rich-Future-Mr-Joy and I could go all over the place. We could go to EVERY Disney establishment! We could go to Cappadocia! We could go see that Adventure Time train in Taiwan! We could go to that light festival I’m dying to go to! We could go anywhere, and we would and it would be great because that’s what rich people do.
When I first started this list, I was totally joking. Now I’m not so sure. It would be super handy to marry a rich guy. If one stumbles across my path and I stumble across his, HERE’S HOPING IT WORKS OUT. I’LL GIVE YOU ALL FIVE DOLLARS.